Breast Men
by enemytosleep
Summary: It all came down to tits. Written for the Livejournal group fma fic contest week 17 prompt: Humor!fic


Tits. It all came down to tits. Those succulent, life-giving mounds of joy that no man could deny. Okay, well maybe there were _some_ men who could deny them, though Maes found it hard to believe that even men of that persuasion found no appeal in what was arguably a women's best feature. Honestly, was there anything more gratifying than burying one's face in a pair? He thought not.

"What are you all happy about?" Roy asked. "I don't like when you get that dopey grin on your face... it usually means trouble for me."

Snapping back to reality, Maes turned his attention to the Colonel who was currently sitting at his desk with a brooding expression and an ice-pack over his temple. He could just imagine the bruise that was forming underneath there; it had been a most impressive welt earlier. "I don't believe for a second that 'pistol' is the only whipping you enjoyed today, alchemist freak."

"Are you implying what I think you're implying?" Roy's lips curled into a devilish smirk as the corners of his slanted eyes rose amusedly.

Maes laughed heartily for a brief moment, stopping as abruptly as he began. Suddenly serious, he wagged a finger at the other man. "Don't play dumb. Unless you're not, and honestly I don't want to think about the consequences of that. I prefer that my friends have half a brain."

"And what if I don't?"

"Then I'll deny everything, you asshole." This time they both laughed, Roy wincing slightly. She must've given him a hell of a wallop. The story behind this one was surely entertaining, at least in Maes' perspective. "So Roy, finish telling me what happened earlier. Inquiring minds..."

"I was telling you before, but you were lost in your own damned head."

Maes was thinking about tits. That was it. What the hell did that have to do with Roy? Today must have been pretty interesting, he decided. As he opened his mouth to speak, Roy cut him off and added, "And no, I don't want to know what it was you were thinking of."

x.x.x

Roy tried to ignore his boisterous subordinates as they returned to the office, but he was far too distracted by the chatter to concentrate on his paperwork. Fuery, Havoc, and Breda had quickly saluted him, before taking seats in front of his desk, still fully engrossed in their previous discussion. He was surprised to see them back in his office so soon; the old service truck they were sent to prepare needed a fair bit of maintenance before it would be ready to take them back to East City. Mustang was curious to know why these three were here and not working on the truck. "You're finished early."

"Yeah, we got a lot of help from the Rockbell girl," Breda replied. "That was a nice treat." Breda and Fuery exchanged knowing looks while sniggering behind raised hands. Havoc stood with his arms crossed, trying to inhale his lit cigarette in one long drag.

This piqued Roy's curiosity even more. What had Winry Rockbell done to get these guys so riled up? "Where are Falman and Hawkeye?" It was more important to know the status of their preparations, Roy decided, though he was dying to know what had happened with these three.

"I believe they're still in town, Sir, getting the supplies that you requested," Fuery replied, barely managing to contain his laughter.

Watching Fuery struggle to maintain his composure set the pair off in another round of giggling. Finally, after glancing at their superior, they quieted down some, though their matching smirks stayed in place. However, it seemed Breda's will was lacking for he soon burst out in a full fit of giggles all on his own. Before Roy could decide what to do, Fuery addressed his giddy comrade sternly. "You shouldn't keep laughing at Havoc. It's not his fault that he has this compulsion." The bespectacled soldier placed his hand on Havoc's shoulder, squeezing it firmly in support.

Flustered, the blonde man withdrew his lighter from his jacket pocket and began flipping the top compulsively. "Well they outta make rules about...girls...dressing like that!"

"They do. When they're that age you can look, but you can't touch," Breda reasoned.

"Better not let Full Metal hear you say that," Roy jeered.

Havoc snapped the lighter shut and pointed it at Roy. "I can't help it if she comes around offering to help wearing a little tube top and work-pants. How's a guy not supposed to notice that?"

They all laughed so loudly at their agitated comrade that none of them noticed the office door open and close.

Roy had to agree with the man: the girl did have a decent pair, not that he had been looking of course. She was young still, but as Havoc had pointed out, the girl's attire didn't always leave much to the imagination. "I do see your point, Havoc. She's definitely something to look at. In a few years she'll be real trouble."

"Who are we talking about, Sir?" Falman asked.

"Ed's little girlfriend," Roy answered.

Speaking of nice pairs, that was a mighty fine blouse someone was wearing right now. It was very well fitted, curving in all the right places. Was the top button undone? It definitely looked that way. He would have to remember this when the time came to redesign the women's uniforms.

"Sir, may I speak with you in private?"

Shit. Roy didn't need to look up to know that it wasn't Ross who needed to speak with him. This could be very bad. "All right. Everyone out."

He could feel the heat of her glare as the others filed their way out of his office. Summing up as much charm as he could, Mustang lifted his forehead from his palm and raised his face to see her. Damn, she was pissed. "Lieutenant Hawkeye, how did the supply gathering go? You certainly made good time. I didn't even see you come in." His fingers were crossed mentally.

"How did you not see me, Sir? You were staring straight at me."

Yep, top button was definitely undone. A very nice touch if he did say so himself.

x.x.x

"And she just hit you like that?"

"Well no, she went off about appropriateness or some other thing first."

"So how was it that the Flame Alchemist was out maneuvered in combat? Should we inform your superiors?" Maes could barely keep a straight face as he leaned forward in his seat with his elbow propped on one knee, goading his friend to respond.

Roy glared at him. "I didn't even know she was armed, though I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she carries even in plainclothes."

"So she wasn't in uniform?" Maes rested his chin in the palms of his hands, a hopeful look painted on his face.

"Don't be such a pervert."

Maes laughed maniacally, almost unable to respond. "Oh ho, Roy Boy, I believe it's you who is the pervert. I wasn't the one who was so busy staring at Riza's chest that he didn't see it coming."

Mustang shot him a dark look. Maes knew him well enough to know he had hit the nail on the head. The only question now was how best to lord this over him? There were so many possibilities, but for now he would settle for a mocking grin. Roy was so much fun to tease.


End file.
